I would love to think that a singular moment changed my perspective. Was it what my husband said to me? About being consistent and showing up?
The answer is NO, it can’t have been and was not a single moment. The truth is that the fear of failure has been paralyzing. It has taken me some time to realize that growth has its own clock. It is a moment that came to a head after a lot of compounding of singular glimmers and moments. I surrounded myself with people, opportunities and experiences that pushed me out of my funk. And slowly and surely I was rebuilding my identity.
First, I had to embrace my new life with a whole lot of love and acceptance. For all my adult life, I have wanted to be a mom. But I really was not prepared to be one, despite all the reading, Lamaze classes, webinars. What followed was me being super underconfident in my ability as a parent. I was anxious and guilty all the time – was he sleeping enough, eating enough, meeting milestones? Are we sending him to school too early? Will he hate me if I got back to work? Does he need me when I am away? Should I just stay home? After three years of being on the edge when it came to parenting, I came to the late and profound realization that I have to make trade-offs based on my new life situation. And the beauty of startup life is I have the flexibility to decide which trade-offs I would like to make! The true sense of the flexibility that entrepreneurial life came from this. This is possibly when, I truly embraced my role as a mother too. I started feeling confident in taking decisions. I stopped feeling bogged down by missteps. I really started making every minute and second count when it came to spending time with my son. It was truly life changing to see that my son actually likes me beyond the genetic and survival need to be with one’s parent. It somehow changed my entire attitude to life.
Next, it was time to really internalize why I had chosen this entrepreneurial life. I agreed to be a house captain at my apartment community sports tournaments. This was a two month long process of team selections, practice, sportsmanship, leadership, and the pursuit of victory. I awoke the resting competitiveness, fire, and passion – that I prided myself in. And, I had an answer to why I should startup. I like to build a team from the ground up. I enjoy the process of finding solutions to complex problems, (even) with people at the centre of it. I like to be at the forefront of example setting. I want to do things differently. I want to be a balanced player in the game of life. I thrive in community building. I love the exchange of ideas. I am excited by the pursuit of victory. I want to be recognized and known for doing something awesome. I want to be a strong role model to my son. I wanted to chart my own path.
Next, I started doing things I really enjoy, and restrict myself a little less. Glimmers came in the most unexpected of places. A little backstory. I was introduced to “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns N Roses when I was 13. It truly changed my life by opening my eyes to the world of rock / metal, a genre I truly enjoy and over the shared love of which, I made some great friends. In school, I was associated with the song. I obsessively inaugurate new audio devices by first playing Sweet Child. So, after missing the Guns N Roses concerts too many times, when they finally played in Mumbai in May 2025, I gathered the troops and headed over. What happened at the concert was not just a glimmer, it was an explosion of emotion. It was a bucket list item scratched off. I felt energized by it. I felt infinite. I even went in front of the camera on Instagram and described how much I enjoyed the concert, bathed in the goodness of it and unforeseen vulnerability. I decided to give in to experiences for reasons like pure happiness and euphoria. Not because they were means to an end. Not because they can make me optimize time and be productive.
I also started curating (sub-consciously) the content that was energy building rather than depleting. I’m getting better at protecting my inputs. I’m wary of the doom-scroll, the hyperreal OTT stories, the content that leaves you feeling empty. Podcasts such as Huberman Lab, Play to Potential, The Mel Robbins Podcast, How I Built This are great for a morning commute and you literally become smarter about your mental models and life with these smart guys saying it as it is. Some incredible books I read include Tiny Experiments, Orbital, Building a Second Brain among plenty more fiction! Tiny Experiments was one of my absolute favourites. I want to do a little post on this book later, but suffice to say that every once in a while, a book comes along that changes your life. This is one of those books. The other ones have been Atomic Habits, Smarter Faster Better, and When Breath Becomes Air. I also have started meeting people who lift me up and keep it light. I read that your thoughts, and general approach to life is an average of the ten people you meet most. This is valuable advice, especially if one wants to cultivate a growth mindset. I feel that I should get so good that that people can benefit from me being in their top 10!
Another good thing I have been building block by block and helps immensely is health. Physical and mental. I started doing strength training in the gym thrice a week, egged on by my ever supportive husband who is truly a great partner in life, health and beyond. I think I underestimated how much health plays a role in feeling good, being productive, and setting oneself for a happy future. Motivated further by the community sports tournaments, I started playing sports again – Badminton, Throwball and I started also learning Football! I did a couple of sessions of therapy, and they helped turn on a lightbulb and got me to a point of quick clarity. I may or may not go for more, but I know for now, that the clarity is good enough. Even doing annual health checks help you move on from trying to guess what’s going on inside your body to actually knowing. It is a great barometer to catch metabolic syndromes early, to set yourself up for old age. Further, post-partum women are often fraught with a misbalanced cocktail of hormones and issues that need to be caught as soon as possible, and going for a health checkup helps.
While I thought about why I was not being as productive as I once used to be, I came across understanding daily rituals, anchors and non-negotiables. Anchors and non-negotiables work if religiously scheduled on your calendar. For me these were, 1-2 hours playtime with my son, workout, post-dinner walk, 15-20 min conversation with my husband, and morning centering practices that I called rituals. These centering practices could be anything from planning the day, meditation, journalling, reading the newspaper, making yourself a good pourover. Routines free up cognitive resources, allowing you to focus on higher-order tasks (like problem-solving, creativity, or decision-making). I gave my son a strong routine, it was time to bring myself into a good routine too.
Last but not the least is a support system that includes family, the most important being your partner. Your family can all say the right things at the wrong time, and it’ll just float past. And then, one day, you’ll hear the same thing again, and it’ll hit you like a truth you’ve known all along. They mean well, but as one becomes an adult, one holds back on sharing with family, for fear of being judged but mostly for fear of not being understood. And in this state no advice ever lands, but it stays there subliminally and when you’re ready to receive, it gives in loads and bounds. With your partner it is easy to slip into transactional conversations – discussing each other’s calendar, making meal plans, finances. These discussions can very easily escalate into arguments building resentment for the one person who is actually the only one that matters and can help. We went through this, and came out the other side by establishing ground rules for how we discuss, AND argue. It also helps to allow each other grace and build empathy. A game changer for me was a beautifully written, empathetic, thoughtful, and insightful email from my husband about how he thought I could approach my career aspirations He showed me that I need not contract or minimize my ambition because I am a mother. He included actionable insights. I cried under the unfamiliar weight of being truly seen. And encouraged me to just START.
And START I did. I started saying YES to opportunities to do small projects for friends and acquaintances. I started trying to be productive and efficient. Tiny consistent acts. And a shift happened – not just in me, but around me. People showed up. Cheered me on. Asked questions. Offered ideas. People who’ve been silently rooting for you begin to cheer louder. Some offer advice, some just watch, but it all adds up to level of confidence that went AWOL for a bit. I come to this moment after five years of shapeshifting. Doubt. Reinvention. I unlearnt what ambition should look like, and unlearnt the steps to get there. I got answers to bigger questions about work, identity, womanhood. I hope to forge my own path.